December 28
Mood:  rushed
I have just found a new hobby. Digging for my keys. I know its weird but really at night you dont know what to do with yourself. Well I do because I do it almost every other night. Aw man I'm turning into a guy. But for the first time I know what it's like to come.

I've to fake it every bleeding time but when I do it. Wooo! I'm good. I bet if I was a lesbian I would so rock. Speaking of batting for the other team it's the weirdest thing: I dont think about guys doing it. I think about girls. But not any chick. Her names Alexa and she's gorgeous. Skin the color of honey, brunette, big green eyes just plain crazy about me...in my head I mean.

So anyway, I just imagine being with a chick because a finger is compared to like the tip of a tongue so it's only fair that I make it so. I don't know why. I guess sexually I feel mentally more comfortable with a femal because well, guys dont know what they're doing when it comes to sex. They figure "if i go in and out enough times she'll come" no we wont. Me? It takes me a while just to get wet and I lose it very just as quick. But all I gotta do is close my eyes and patiently dig and stroke ad play until I get that fantastic feeling and fall right to sleep.

I think I'll keep up this little trend until 1, I find a guy that'll do it the same way and give me the same gratification or 2, I find a female that;ll give me the same satisfaction.

Ladies need to read this and think...
Mood:  chatty
Now I don't know if anyone has been listening to the news in the US lately but... young girls like me may have to kiss our right to choose good-bye.

Okay, I understand some view points that say that abortion is the equivalent of murder. I can think of things that are way worse that that and consider it murder. Now as unpopular as this may be, I am pro-choice. Yes I said it. And it is only because I am down with the Women's Lib movement.

Now it is bad enough that women in general earn 75% of men when it comes to payday. If they are going to do that to us, then don't mess with the right to use Roe v Wade for a long time now.

Now I am not justifying that abortion be a use of birth control. Come on. Either get on the pill, use a condom EVERY TIME or just don't do it. But I am saying that it is there. This is a right.

But it bothers me that I when I bring the topic up people get that blank look on their face or even worse the look right through me? Ladies, do you even care?

I mean think about it. You make a mistake and forgot to cover all your bases. You're allowed that choice to do what you want (given you speak with your partner). Right to choose!

And there are cases where I am completely for abortion: when it makes no sense to carry the baby to term because both the baby and mother will DIE. There could be a number of reasons that may happen. The female maybe psychologically, mentally, and PHYSICALLY inept to carry the baby to term. I don't know about you but I think that's a viable case to do so.

Does anyone out here agree with me? We are born with the right and ability to choose. Hell, everything we do is a choice: from opening our eyes, to typing keys on a computer, to which way to go. So why fuck with this decision. Give women a chance to say no to abortion when it comes to their situation. Don't take it out all together. It benefits no one really. Because there are so many babies left abandoned, are trapped in the system and even worse. Not to seem heartless but if a child cannot fit into a life at that time, 1. a woman has a right to learn if she has the ability to carry to term and if she does she should be given the option AFTER assessing if the child could be kept or given for adoption or 2. When having sex people go all out. Use the male AND female condom, the pill, the diaphragm, spermicides and pull out.

I am spent. See you at the next entry.

October 2, 2006
Mood:  don't ask
Nothing new to talk about. Still deprived of sex but I got a cell phone! Yay! Anyway, I was thinking just the other day and maybe I dont need sex like I think I do. It would be great but what is sex really? Penetration. And to have that repetitive in-out in-out motion going on is great for the guy because they often dont care as long as they get off but to a girl esp. a girl like me, I need more than that. I dont know why but throughout my day I have about three trillion thoughts go through my head. relaxing is not my strong suit I maybe lazy but I am a pensively lazy chick. In fact I'm lazy when it comes to sex as well.

I just lie there. What else is there to do? I mean the guy's on top doing his thing so that is where I get all my best thinking. But sometimes you have to let out a few moans just to assure him that you're having a good time even though you've been staring at the clock for the past ten minutes. LOL.

Speaking of clocks, I took my history test of Friday. Goddamn it was long. Six sections: ID'ing six topics (in a paragraph), a map section, multiple choice, three short analysis (paragraphs), a long essay AND a blank question! All that in... 75 minutes. Of course my hand hurt after I was done. I haven't written so much for an exam since my English Regents exam in high school. I dont have the class till Friday (Jewish Holiday).

What else is going on? Uh... Nothing else. Which is becoming a pattern the last few years. See according to Mother I am not allowed to have a social life. Which of course sucks that I am shut into my house all day and I am a twenty year old New Yorker. I shouldn't know the city like the back of my hand by now. Nope.

Im just waiting for that faithful day where I get my license and I'm gone! Just take the keys and I'll call home to tell them where I am.

Take yesterday for example. My best friend graduated from cooking school and she went out with her people to dinner, went to a bar got drunk and chatted up night away, got kicke out and went to another bar chatted up in there, she got hungry and went to a falafel bar and had breakfast. She got in at 6/7 in the morning! Yesterday morning she was set to go to Six Flags but missed her bus. So she went home. I want to do that! I want that freedom! Why can't I have that? What is so different about me from my friends that I cant go out to bars and go clubbing?

What is so special about me staying home every goddamn night in front of this goddamn computer? What benefits me of this? Yesterday my father went out and didnt even ask me. And later on Mother called him out on it and he just replied "She wouldnt've wanted to go anyway, she's always in front of that computer. And she was a big agreement over that. So I covered up my anger, shut off the computer and went right to bed. It was 9:30 at night.

I showed them what else they allowed me to do. Wake up, go to school, sleep, eat, do # 1 and 2, watch tv and play on the computer. People have been saying that I have been pathetic since I was fifteen. And its the only thing I am unhappy about it. The parents always say that I dont have good enough friends to hang out with and I should chill with the kids at school. Guess what? The students at school are so self indulgent that I bet they dont even realize Im in the class with them. So I have no choice.

Yesterday my friend was saying that since I am an artist I cant be in the house ALL the damn time. Well maybe I should just slit my throat that way I can leave the house for good? It wouldnt hurt now would it? One less person to ask out on a gathering.

My bastard of a father is always saying that I never have anywhere to go and that I never have friends houses to visit. Asshole here's the thing: they're never home! Instead they're out and when they asked me I knew I would have to say no so either come up with somewhere to go or FUCK OFF.

I have more emotion to release but I dont have the flow of thought to put them in words.

September 27 2005
Mood:  not sure
Okay, today I am a bit more relaxed. I think. I looked especially cute today in a pair of my best jeans, some espadrilles and a cute blazer. Everyone was liking the shoes.

I had a good time. I watched a video for my geology class, and sat through my black American class. But today was a very boring day.

The high point as this male in my History class. We clashed on the elevator and its amazing he remembered my name. No one remembers my name. I joked with him that he never says hi to me.

So now he's saying that next class he gonna come in and scream my name mad loud. I highly doubt that'll happen but I'll let you know. He's a little cute but with me, whenever a male it a little bit attractive I never get him. So I know that's over before it starts.

Today, for the first time in over a year I walked into the Burger King near my school. I haven't been back there because last year some bum swiped my wallet there. And it is a day that I would rather forget. It went well today. Not to say I wont go because I don't know.

I went out to run an errand earlier and met up with this guy that I have been talking to the last few weeks make that the last two years. He's kinda cute and everything but the way Mother doesn't believe in a social life. Hell I had to give up my sex buddy a few days ago. It gets really annoying now with wanting to be in a relationship but I cant even look for the guy to be a relationship with. And to be even more annoying, I REALLY need a cell phone. So I'm spent for tonight.

Sept. 26th
Mood:  chatty
Today in my class we saw the movie Jungle Fever. More reason to make me feel horny today. It opens up with Wesley Snipe and Lonette McKee having sex in the morning. I wanna have sex in the morning too! Morning, afternoon, weekday, midnight, Jewish holiday, whenever! I mean seeing how Wesley (a guy I dont even find attractive) has that girl I wished I was her. Hell I wished I was that white girl in the office sex scene.

Is it wrong for me to have these feelings? Says the mother in Splendor in the Grass "Nice girls dont have those feelings." Well 1961 and the Era of Sex and City are two completely different spectrums. I want some loving pointe blank. But with school during the week and my parents locking down my social life on the weekends, I cant scheme the way I used to. But I do need a jump. I wanna feel sexy. I wanna feel good.

I want to grab hair when a guy kisses me...Hell I want to be kissed! I want a pair of warm, soft lips crush against mine. Its been so long but I forgot what it feels like.

Damn, I'm getting a bit too deep arent I? Well, when you haven't had a boyfriend since...ever you tend to wanna know what the hype's about. And I want a relationship so bad it hurts. Someone to talk to on the phone, spending Sunday mornings at cafes in Manhattan, going to plays and such. And there are things that you really dont want to do alone but you cant do with your girls. You need to do them with a male.

Mother says that now that I'm in college and Im in the third year, the guy is there waiting for me and I just can't pick anybody. And in the same arguement she says "If he was any good you wouldnt've found him." Dont you hate when mothers do that? They promise you flowers but hand you the fertilizer. Which is why I dont talk to her about relationships.

But me? I want a warm body to talk to me in a low voice just before I go to sleep.

Spetember 25
Mood:  chatty
Today I woke up and went straight to my computer. I have this assignment to my screen writing class to go and read eleven short stories, pick one and write an adaptation.

And I was set to do that. Then I saw that Surreal Life. After it ended I flipped through channels and came right to the beginning of Madonna:Truth Or Dare on.

After that was over, I started on the assignment. Then we got some visitors and ended up at Home Depot.

I just finished like ten minutes ago when Desperate Housewives came on. Now, I think that I am the only person in the world that knows of this show but didn't watch it. And it wasn't my fault! See I started to watch it and every time I tried it was always pre-empted for something stupid. Well I am really dedicating myself this season and the second season better live up to the hype of what I was hearing about for the first season.

Now to me. Today marks seven months and three days since I've done the nasty with a guy. And I am telling you I am desperate for one! And to make things worse the guys at my school are dead! You would think that in college you would have your pick of the litter. Not at my school. The guys there are too into themselves. And I think some of them are gay. Not some but MOST. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But we're talking in terms of me right now.

And here in Brooklyn it's even worse! The guy is either ugly, gay, has a girl, or has been in prison. And frankly I'm not into that thug thing any more. It was the coolest when I was 15 but at 20 it is just immature and stupid. Nothing good comes from that.

You hear me girls??

The dude with the rap sheet? Not boyfriend material. But now that I know what I dont want, it's a question of who I do want. And I dont even know that.

I have a think for skinny guys that dress in skinny jeans a clean fitted polo shirt and sneakers. And not those ugly JORDANS! The Chuck Taylors.

You know describing the type of guy I want made me think of a convo that I had with a friend a while back. She asked me what I wanted in a guy and it was a trap... She said that I was shallow. I'm not shallow if I want a guy that pays attention to how he dresses and what he wants to do with his life. If just have an outline. And I can tailor the outline to the guy and modify it but if he is a complete jerk like some of the others I've dated then guess what? Im only filtering the bad from good. And I pretty take it as dismal of how many guys are jerks. Always wanting me to put out. Well it aint happening no more!

Well I guess I'm done for now. See you when I see you.